...

1. i have tons of friends that like me and want to hang out with me. clearly i'm a fun person.
2. lots of people have told me i should model.
3. i'm really good at writing and with languages. i'm good at speaking french and french grammar.
4. i'm good at playing piano.
5. lots of guys think i'm cute.

negative thoughts i have about myself

1. i'll never have a long term relationship.
girl, you are only 20 years old, you have the rest of your life ahead of you to find someone.. just go out, flirt, and have fun for now.
2. i'm stupid
ok, so i have a few 'dumb blonde' moments- so does everyone else. laugh it off.. you're smarter than most other people anyway, and you have a university education. some people haven't even made it in, or haven't made it all the way through. you have stuck to your goals. you are very sensible.
3. my friends have boyfriends but i don't and my relationships don't work. what's wrong with me?
your friends are lucky. they are in the right place at the right time. you could meet someone for you anywhere. don't stress out about it. go with the flow. what happens, happens.
4. most guys are jerks.
people are good, you just have to trust them.. obviously this takes time, but take things slowly and have more confidence in other people and yourself.

...

how can it be

that you can have something one minute

that seems so real, so fresh, so amazing

and in the blink of an eye,

it disappears?

i felt as though

i would never feel this way again for someone

and someone would never feel this way again for me

i keep thinking,

i found someone that sees something in me

i don't even see

but i guess i was wrong

and i've been broken before

and it's been hard

but somehow i've managed to glue myself back together

and finally, once i'm ready to open myself up once more

i break all over again

and although there has been no drama this time, no bitterness,

i can't help but feel empty

like something so much greater could have happened

and i feel like i've wasted something-

i hate that feeling. like it's been a waste.

i can't just pour out my feelings, shed myself, who i am, my thoughts, my dreams, my goals,

everything about myself, to someone

and then let them go free,

have them become a stranger, a foreign landscape, something so distant, so intangible

and then i'm left here trying to suppress what i'm feeling,

like i'm back to square one, like it never happened at all.

ugh

I was thinking the other day, and I just thought about relationships, and how you can't control what people want, and how you can't help it when people change their mind. Just when I thought I found something real, something amazing, it disappeared. and I honestly can't take that. I can't stand the idea of losing someone again. It hurts so much. Even though we're still friends, and he makes it impossible to hate him, I just wish we could go back to how things were before. I keep feeling like no one will ever feel the way he felt about me ever again. I don't know why I think it's so hard for someone to like me.. and I don't understand how I'm going to find someone. I don't mind being single, but I just really, really want to be in a relationship so badly... I want someone to kiss and hold.. to go out with.. I feel like I'll never even have sex again, or not for a really long time... and I don't understand why he just wanted to stop being with me. It's really hurting me and frustrating me.. and I just want him back.. the way things were, because it was amazing. but I'm so frustrated, bitter, and annoyed.. I don't think that will happen again.

sad

It seems that just when I patch myself up, I get scarred all over again.
My problem is I fell hard again, and really fast.
I feel like an emotional trainwreck, and I don't want to get my heart thrown away all over again.
I really like you and the thought of not seeing you again, or not for a long time makes me really upset. That's why when you say you're thinking about ending this, or when you have second thoughts, it worries me.
Yet I wonder why I got myself into something when I knew it probably wouldn't last.
And the answer is, I'm human and I crave intimacy.
I'm a really sensitive person, and I've had really bad past experiences.
when you suggest that this might be a bad idea it hurts me because i really like you.

you. and her.

My heart has been broken x amount of times by you. You make me want to take beautiful poetry and shatter it into n o t h i n g. Y o u m a k e m e f e e l d i s t a n c e d from everything, even myself. You make me feel worse than empty. Worse than isolated. You make me feel useless. You used me. What does she have that I don't? Her. I hear her name drip down from your lips like poison. Muttering those syllables, everything is in slow motion. I hate how it rolls off of your tongue so effortlessly. Her. her. her. Like I am zero and I don't exist. Like I'm nothing and I don't matter. Like I'm rudundant and I don't give a fuck because you make me want to destroy everything. Colourful, ornate, and poetic diction become nonsensical ramblings, merely letters on a page. That's how you make me feel. You make me want to destroy art. Your face is a dartboard. I see it and I remember that you still exist. That even though I try to erase it from my memory, you're still out there, walking, breathing, but with someone else. Kisses for you are a loan, not a gift. Your lips. They lie to me. And you are only temporary.

......

i feel so easy. i'm always feeling like i need someone. and i think my problem is that i can't just let myself be alone. just like i can't just let myself relax. i feel like i'm forcing it too much, instead of letting things happen naturally.

ugh

you make me a wreck and that's why i hate you.
i like you so much. i'm doing something stupid. and i know it's stupid. i'm fooling around with other guys thinking that it'll somehow numb the fact that you don't like me. but sometimes i feel like you do like me, the way you act... but i know it's not true.. you're just messing with me. i hate it. i hate this. i don't understand why i just can't be with you. i'm making myself sick. i just want you to message me.. that's it. that's all i want you to do. but you don't.