sad story

I should be happy to be a woman, but instead I see it as a curse. Time is my enemy. It keeps moving forward, and I am living in the past. I try to cling onto my youth, try and make it last forever, but instead, I feel myself grow weary. I see myself grow wrinkly and old, this putrid decrepitude slowly impending on me. As men grow more handsome and desirable with age; we women become frailer, our fertility disappears as we slowly dry up. I watch models in magazines; I see them smirk at me on the glossy pages but ha! I know that their youth too will one day come to an end. This life is shorter than we can ever imagine and all our dreams, everything we achieve will vanish in the blink of an eye, when the clock strikes the Inevitable Hour. The years creep on you and you can’t escape from them, try as hard as you might! I have bid adieu to my teenage years and I see nothing good in the road ahead of me. I am twenty one, and I will be twenty-two in five months. I feel as if I have been alive forever, I feel so old, so disgusting. Birthdays used to be something that I celebrated. I was happy to turn driving age, happy to turn drinking age, and now there is nothing left. My hair will grey and my skin will become sallow. I can’t even appreciate my youth because I’m so focused on it vanishing. Oh, how I envy those in their early teenage years! The difficult days of puberty conceal its true appeal- the journey into youth! How beautiful life would be if we just stayed a teenager forever! Why must things change? Why must we age? Why can’t we freeze our beauty? why can’t we become moving photographs? Why can’t I embrace womanhood as a gift? Why must I be so scared to leave this world? I’m terrified to enter into a world of nagging bosses, marriage difficulties, and whining children. I’m scared to bring a new child into this world; a world of chaos, a world of war and death, a world that sees beauty as a quality pertaining mostly to those who are rail thin, a world who valorizes the young, the young whose youth lasts only a few precious years. I’m scared to give birth to a child, who will live, and who may enjoy life, or who may be a lost soul like me, who does not want to be in this world, but who came into it nevertheless. How is this fair? Why am I here if I never even asked to be here? Is it fair to give birth to a child who shares the same ideas? A child who, as it grows, will realize that it is a soul trapped in a body with features beyond its control? How is this fair? How is birth a miracle? Having no say of anything, no control, as we watch the world change as everything around us becomes a fading blur, spinning out of control…

why?

Today I got pills. Pills that I felt for the longest time would be the answer, but I know they are not. I feel so many things that I don't think anyone else does. I don't think anyone will ever understand. I feel so trapped in the constraints of time, of humanity, of this world. I feel like I can't just live my life without worrying. I wished for the longest time that I had a boyfriend. Now I do, and I feel like my friendships are slipping away. Why can't I just be happy? I feel like there is no solution. I hate walking around places alone, going grocery shopping alone. But at the same time, sometimes I hate being with people. Sometimes people annoy me and I want to be away from them. Why can't I just be satisfied? I get high marks and I'm still not satisfied. Why? What's wrong with me? I have everything I could possibly want but I still feel sad all the time! It's not even that I'm anxious about school or about the future- it's just that I'm constantly sad. I try to help others, yet inside, I still don't feel fulfilled, I still don't feel like I'm worthwhile. I feel like I'm useless a lot of the time- sometimes I just want to jump in front of a train. I've thought about just running away, leaving everything in life behind me and just ending my life. I don't know what I'm living for and what the point of everything is! I'm so confused about everything. I feel like I'm too old for university but too young for the "real" world. I just want to be able to chill out, to relax, to enjoy. Why can't I?