it took me some time to realize

that it doesn't really matter what other people think about you. it's how you think about yourself that counts. if you know, without a doubt in your mind, that you're trying your best, that you're working hard... then that's all that matters. some people are going to judge you harshly, but that doesn't mean it's true. it's just an opinion. subjectivity can hurt, it can be tough... but in the end, it's what you think of yourself that matters. those people are going to be in your life a couple of months... a couple of weeks... you are going to be in your life your whole life. try to do nice things secretly.. be humble about things... i think that's what's most important. don't do things because you want recognition.. do them because it's the right thing to do and you want to be a good person. a piece of paper should not define who you are as a person... a failed relationship doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you... and i have spent so much time agonizing over these things, these tiny incidents, blaming myself and hating myself and just not accepting the fact that people will hold opinions about you.. and you can't really change what they think or change situations... sometimes they just happen and are so out of your control. life throws shit at us from every direction... you need an umbrella to shield yourself from all that shit.. but you know what you gotta gain your composure and deal with it.... even though you feel like breaking down, even though sometimes you feel so alone..... remember, your friends help you save money on therapists. and friends are more valuable than any boy. because they will always be there for you no matter what, they won't pretend you're everything and then vanish at the next moment... they are constant, and they are amazing. so surround yourself with positive people, don't let sucky situations get you down, love yourself for who you are, and don't change yourself for anybody.

uggh

why am i struggling with myself?? i'm not even a teenager anymore, these things should be over... but i always feel like i'm so down all the time, and it's hard to put on a smiling face when you feel bad about yourself all the time..... i seriously don't think i can work with kids.. i enjoy their company but clearly i'm not good enough to lead games with them. i don't understand why everyone else can do it but i can't... and why i get shit evaluations when i try my hardest.