france

wearing flipflops in november. swimming in the mediterannean.

dirty feet. crazy drivers. language barrier. wanting to tell someone off but not knowing how to word it in a way they'd understand. feeling foreign. etrangere. getting pissed off at having to constantly use accents on words when typing. having an absence of something. discrimination. inconveneince. lack of customer service. actually, having no customer service. expensive things. profs that speak quickly and you can't understand them.

canada. going to second cup with my mom. drinking coffee in the morning with my dad as my dog sits on the couch and keeps guard for squirrels outside. random trips to tim hortons with friends. going to lakeshore.

A Day in Baguette Land

So we have a grumpy old man in our building, who I decided to call The Blackhole of Fun, since he sucks the fun out of every situation. But Waheeda wants to call him Herpes or Turdsicle, and I think those work equally as well.. We were just talking at a normal volume in our room in our apartment and then old man walks in and yells at us and threatens to call the police on us. Then he tells his situation to the concierge.. who pretty much takes his side. I feel discriminated against because we're the only people under 30 in our building and we're english speakers.. i'm pretty sure if we spoke french or if we were more elderly he wouldn't complain. As I was walking in vieux nice today a woman carrying flowers decided to spit on me.. and she pinched a woman up ahead of us. And then, in our English class today, the text where we have to translate into English is short, yet the one that we have to translate into french is so long, and we're not allowed french/english dictionaries for our exam. It's times like these where I wanna fly back to Canada.. where people don't spit on you, and where we're not penalized for talking in our apartment.

...

the truth is, sometimes there's just that one person that captivates me, someone that has that je-ne-sais-quoi about them. i'm really into smooth talkers. and sometimes, that one person that we think was something else turns into being someone different. or, even worse, sometimes we know they are wrong for us all along, yet we're still inevitably drawn to them. i'm still wondering why. why would i get myself into something, something i know i'd regret? and i'm just so caught up in what i'm feeling in the moment that i don't consider the repurcussions of my actions. yet i can't help thinking it was somehow worth it because if i didn't do it i'd keep wondering what it would have been like. and that feeling would have haunted me. but now that feeling is instead turned into something kind of like regret. i don't feel used though. i don't feel angry. i just feel a little bit confused, and a little bit hurt. yet i was happy that i was filled with the passion of the moment.. i behaved in a way that was so unlike me. i became someone else for just one night. it was a way to escape, to become a sultry vixen, to expose myself without becoming vulnerable. i released my inhibitions and acted impulsively, instead of rationally. the only thing that haunts me is that i might be forgotten, and i don't want to be forgotten.

it took me some time to realize

that it doesn't really matter what other people think about you. it's how you think about yourself that counts. if you know, without a doubt in your mind, that you're trying your best, that you're working hard... then that's all that matters. some people are going to judge you harshly, but that doesn't mean it's true. it's just an opinion. subjectivity can hurt, it can be tough... but in the end, it's what you think of yourself that matters. those people are going to be in your life a couple of months... a couple of weeks... you are going to be in your life your whole life. try to do nice things secretly.. be humble about things... i think that's what's most important. don't do things because you want recognition.. do them because it's the right thing to do and you want to be a good person. a piece of paper should not define who you are as a person... a failed relationship doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you... and i have spent so much time agonizing over these things, these tiny incidents, blaming myself and hating myself and just not accepting the fact that people will hold opinions about you.. and you can't really change what they think or change situations... sometimes they just happen and are so out of your control. life throws shit at us from every direction... you need an umbrella to shield yourself from all that shit.. but you know what you gotta gain your composure and deal with it.... even though you feel like breaking down, even though sometimes you feel so alone..... remember, your friends help you save money on therapists. and friends are more valuable than any boy. because they will always be there for you no matter what, they won't pretend you're everything and then vanish at the next moment... they are constant, and they are amazing. so surround yourself with positive people, don't let sucky situations get you down, love yourself for who you are, and don't change yourself for anybody.

uggh

why am i struggling with myself?? i'm not even a teenager anymore, these things should be over... but i always feel like i'm so down all the time, and it's hard to put on a smiling face when you feel bad about yourself all the time..... i seriously don't think i can work with kids.. i enjoy their company but clearly i'm not good enough to lead games with them. i don't understand why everyone else can do it but i can't... and why i get shit evaluations when i try my hardest.

...

1. i have tons of friends that like me and want to hang out with me. clearly i'm a fun person.
2. lots of people have told me i should model.
3. i'm really good at writing and with languages. i'm good at speaking french and french grammar.
4. i'm good at playing piano.
5. lots of guys think i'm cute.

negative thoughts i have about myself

1. i'll never have a long term relationship.
girl, you are only 20 years old, you have the rest of your life ahead of you to find someone.. just go out, flirt, and have fun for now.
2. i'm stupid
ok, so i have a few 'dumb blonde' moments- so does everyone else. laugh it off.. you're smarter than most other people anyway, and you have a university education. some people haven't even made it in, or haven't made it all the way through. you have stuck to your goals. you are very sensible.
3. my friends have boyfriends but i don't and my relationships don't work. what's wrong with me?
your friends are lucky. they are in the right place at the right time. you could meet someone for you anywhere. don't stress out about it. go with the flow. what happens, happens.
4. most guys are jerks.
people are good, you just have to trust them.. obviously this takes time, but take things slowly and have more confidence in other people and yourself.

...

how can it be

that you can have something one minute

that seems so real, so fresh, so amazing

and in the blink of an eye,

it disappears?

i felt as though

i would never feel this way again for someone

and someone would never feel this way again for me

i keep thinking,

i found someone that sees something in me

i don't even see

but i guess i was wrong

and i've been broken before

and it's been hard

but somehow i've managed to glue myself back together

and finally, once i'm ready to open myself up once more

i break all over again

and although there has been no drama this time, no bitterness,

i can't help but feel empty

like something so much greater could have happened

and i feel like i've wasted something-

i hate that feeling. like it's been a waste.

i can't just pour out my feelings, shed myself, who i am, my thoughts, my dreams, my goals,

everything about myself, to someone

and then let them go free,

have them become a stranger, a foreign landscape, something so distant, so intangible

and then i'm left here trying to suppress what i'm feeling,

like i'm back to square one, like it never happened at all.